5 days in Singapore – a fine city

Singapore has to be the most unusual country I’ve visited. To the eye, so pristine, so efficient and safe. But just like a bag of revels, there is an occasional bitter surprise. 

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Let’s start with a terrifying story. Out of all the flights I’ve been on, only once have I thought I could end up like a smashed ant under a shoe. That was some years ago, so long ago that I’d forgotten the fear entirely. During the flight to Singapore, I had a few moments where I thought there is a vegan cat somewhere that might outlive my 31 years. I don’t remember turbulence so bone shaking, and for so long. There was a man in front of me who couldn’t find enough things to hold on to. I don’t think he would have been satisfied with tentacles on every solid structure within reach. 

His hands went from holding the seat in front, to his arm rest, back to the seat. He did this for a good hour or two, sweat dripping from his head. Oddly and perhaps worryingly, I felt better watching him, I wasn’t panicking as much as that guy. I could swear I read his thoughts
“I never wrote that will.”
“My wife is going to be pissed when she has to pay the last 8 months of my PornHub subscription”.
“Shit, my bitcoin…”  

Precious family time

Now for some good news. I got to share this trip with my dad, his partner Anna and my brother Alex who lives in Vietnam. With Alex living so far away, we don’t see him too often. So it’s really a special occasion when we plan adventures to visit him as a family. Naturally we haven’t been able to do too much in the last few years. In fact I have only seen him once since the pandemic. When I was forced to come home from Thailand a bit earlier than planned back in February 2020. That was the last trip I wrote about! And was published almost one year ago to the day.

There was a lot to celebrate, too. Dad had recently finished a big business deal and was very happy with himself – for which I’m very proud of him. Alex, too, was doing well. Since covid screwed over his tourist pub-crawl business, he started a Dog Hotel in Hanoi which is doing remarkably well despite the fact it’s only been open less than a year. The local TV station even did a little piece on his story here. He’s done fantastically for himself! 

We managed to squeeze in quite a lot in 5 days. There was everything from jazz nights, to exploring random neighbourhoods like the Chinese and Indian quarters of Singapore, visiting far too many shopping malls (these things are everywhere and are huge), and naturally, eating all sorts of things.

We drank the famous Singaporian sling (which by the way has a cool backstory) in The Raffles hotel (visited by none other than the recently late Queen Elizabeth II). As we were entering, Alex noticed a woman on a table who was dropping peanut shells on the floor. Alex, shocked, dropped her a look of disapproval and mouthed “disgusting” to her. Only when we fully entered the bar did we see that there were peanut shells all over the floor. We later discovered it was part of the experience:

“In keeping with the relaxed atmosphere, guests are invited to brush peanut shells off the table and bar counter to the floor. This is quite possibly the only place in Singapore where littering is encouraged”. More on littering later.

There were also nights spent drinking jugs of beer listening to live music. There was naturally a lot of tourist stuff, too. Singapore has a lot of weird and wonderful things on show.

I know I’ll always cherish these memories. Family holidays are something I want to keep hold of wherever we are all located on the planet. Just as long as we’re in good health and the world doesn’t burn down.

European Airports just took a kicking 

When you arrive in Singapore you have to do a double take – am I really in an Asian Airport? 

Singapore airport is like being in an alcoholic’s pint glass – there are no bottlenecks, everything just flows. Imagine an airport where baggage security isn’t centralised before entering all the gates, but efficiently decentralised and placed before small sets of gates, essentially removing queues. An airport where passport control is managed using automatic scanner gates. An airport where tech is the focal point – want to eat? You have to use a self-service machine. 

I love and hate this. I love the thought and research that’s clearly been put into architecturing the airport so it is efficient. It’s also beautiful and full of open space and nature. But blimey, using a self-service machine gets robotic. At least they don’t fill the airport with duty-free and fried chicken vending machines. That is the next step for KFC, I can see it already. This is the way the world is going, replacing all human contact with cheap, efficient technology that can be hacked and make your chicken taste like feet and give you covid.

Ease and efficiency

It seems strange to me that flying around 14 hours to Asia and landing in a tiny country (Singapore is a city, island and country all at the same time) can be so easy. English isn’t only spoken but it’s written everywhere. Signposts, shops, food menus. Of course there is a reason English is so heavily used but it still feels odd. And it sure as hell makes life easier.

There is a certain buzz from being in a country where you have no idea how things work. Singapore takes that buzz away. It does that because everything works and because everyone speaks English. Not only do things work, but they work extremely well. London is the only city I’ve seen where a couple of city transport people actually had a genuinely productive meeting. The one where they decided it would be smart to let people use their bank cards to enter the underground. 

Singapore has the same system, it’s wonderful. You can’t buy an underground ticket if you tried. Barcelona, however, my city of living choice, still forces people to buy paper (yes, paper. (Well, cardboard, but still)) tickets which last for 10 trips. Then I have to throw away my ticket and buy a new one on a touchscreen machine which selects “cancel and start again” when I clearly select “buy” and still doesn’t take contactless payments. Let’s not think about the trees. I’ve been wanting to write (rant) about that for some time. 

Anyway, Singapore. Things work. Things turn up on time. In fact, things work too well. Everything is predictable. There are no surprises. No crime, no littler, no dogs pissing on your trouser leg, no chewing gum getting stuck on your shoe, no fag nubs being dropped on you from the balcony above the street. People are a bit robotic. Waiting what seems like hours for the green traffic light man (no seriously, Singapore takes the biscuit with this. Cars don’t just get the advantage, but it seems like they can cross the lights, turn left, turn left again, get a happy meal from McDonalds, arrive at the same set of lights you’re still scratching your ass at only for them to still be on green and drive past you with the kind of smile a 4 year old has when he pisses his pants).

Flowers and fried chicken at 4am anyone?

There are vending machines everywhere. You can get freshly squeezed orange juice. You can get flowers for when you missed your wife’s birthday because you got stuck at traffic lights. Smoked salmon in a vending machine? You bet. My favourite? Vending machine fried chicken. Yes. You can either choose frozen or hot. The vending machine has a built-in microwave!  Fried chicken on demand is something I’d expect to find on every street in America.

Talking of food, everywhere you look there is a restaurant. You name the cuisine, it’s there. Except British of course, because that never made it out of Britain. Singapore however does have something very English, and it dedicates a whole restaurant chain to it – toast. Yes. Someone should check my facts but I’m sure toast was invented and made famous in England. I say that because we put everything on toast. But Singapore took it a step too far – there is a restaurant I daren’t even take a sniff at called toast and curry. 

Talking of restaurants. They are friggin expensive. No, really. How much do you think it costs for a coffee, croissant and avocado and toast in a cafe? Take a guess. Be ambitious.

£££

The coffee, croissant and avocado on toast. Only a modest £23. I wouldn’t mind (no, I would. I would always mind) but it was shit. The coffee wasn’t speciality coffee. The croissant was baked last week. The avocado on toast had sugar or something weird in it. AND there was only one slice of toast! 

For £23 I was expecting a mountain of toast and a ball pit of avocados. I paid the bill with my usual friendly smile but boiling inside like when one mixes coca cola with mentos. Naturally, a polite review was left to warn future tourist fools. 

Talking of prices. A beer in a bar, £7 per bottle. A Singaporian Sling, £25 (okay it was in the very hotel it was invented). I heard that soon citizens will have to pay for oxygen. 

Basically, if you’re a tight ass like me, don’t go to Singapore without taking a mountainous picnic box and a shit ton of money – and even they don’t stay for more than 3 meals.

Well, that’s not necessarily true. Singapore, like anywhere, has places one can eat affordably. One just has to get the hell out of the tourist areas and hang out where the locals are at.

A fine city

Let’s talk about rules. Singapore is by far the most exciting and eccentric country I’ve visited when it comes to rules. 

Being naked in your own house? No chance. Public singing? Hell no. Having pets in the city? Gotta be joking mate. Chewing gum? Prison time. Not waiting for the green man at a crossing? Nope. Buying a cappuccino after 10pm whilst wearing a white hat? Okay I made that one up, but the Italians wouldn’t be happy. 

But wait, there are more! Fines for not flushing public-toilets (this one is pure bliss). Fines for watching pornography. Fines for feeding pigeons. And get this – fines for “WiFi-hacking” or, using someone’s WiFi without permission. Being a cyber security geek, I did enjoy this one.

One outrageous person could even set themselves a challenge – how many rules could they break at once. For example, chewing gum naked in ones house, whilst having a house party with alcoholic beverages past 10.30pm, watching porn on your neighbour’s WiFi, and if strategically placed near a window, feeding pigeons all in the same moment.

There is a reason Singapore is as clean as a baby’s bottom. And it may not be because people respect it more than in other countries. It’s probably because when rules are broken, hands are slapped. Singapore is known as “a fine city” because they hand out fines like Spain hand out public holidays. And from my tourist eye, it seems to be effective. But, that’s what the internet will have you believe. One evening we went for dinner with a local. She told us some rules are more for show than others. The rule on chewing gum, apparently is how Spain views cannabis – yes it’s illegal, but the police will walk past you unless you’re carrying a shit ton of it. Talking of drugs, our local friend told us carrying hard drugs can get you some serious prison time, or even the death penalty. Yes. 

Not that one could afford any drugs in this place anyway. I’m just guessing here but if a coffee, croissant and some toast is £23 I bet a line would knock you back a month’s wages. Crime rates are low here too, and it’s no wonder, none of the fun shit is affordable. 

When Antony Bourdain visited Singapore, he figured out that life is indeed under strict watch and control, yet the government did allow citizens to have some reprise. In fact, not only do they allow (promote) alcohol and prostituion, at some point in the last years they allowed such establishments later opening hours, to maximise the tax benefits. This allowed citizens to “let their hair down” so to speak. However, since Antony visited, it seems alcohol has become a little harder to attain, a beer in a bar can cost £6, and that’s a bottle. This is supposedly because Singapore has to import a lot of its food and goods. So import taxes apply to many things there. 

Again, contrary to what the internet will have you believe, our local friend told us the wages in Singapore don’t allow such lavish treats to be enjoyed often. In fact, most Singaporian’s live with parents until they are around 30. They don’t drink or eat out often, except in food halls such as hawkers.

Good things

Now. It may seem like the last few paragraphs were taking a dig at Singapore. It does have a lot to shout about. It’s clean, it’s pretty, it’s well architected and efficient. People are nice and friendly. English folk like me can actually talk to locals. 

It’s also quite a beautiful city when you look at it with perspective. One can visit the SkyPark Observation Deck (the 3 towers with a boat on top) for a couple of pennies (£25) and wow, it is impressive. You can see how the city intersects with the ocean, and the outrageously big shipping port.

You can see the stunning Gardens by the Bay. I’ve really never seen anything so lovely. Visiting the light show by night (7pm), known as “Garden Rhapsody” was wonderful. It puts Barcelona’s magic fountain to shame. And guess what, it’s free! Whilst we were there, it was raining gently, only adding to the moving atmosphere.

Singapore also feels like a very safe city. Crime rates are low. Women walk home alone at the end of a night out. People trust taxi drivers. Homelessness is almost unheard of (or at least unseen). Unemployment is 2%.

It also seems to be an innovative place when it comes to entrepreneurial talent and startups. There are a lot of startups receiving millions in investments – the country punches way above it’s weight here when you consider how tiny it is.

It also has a couple of beaches. We visited Sentosa island which, when you arrive, almost feels like you’re in a different country. People are happy, having fun, relaxing. It made me realise that you don’t often see people having fun in the city. I didn’t see any parks or plazas where kids can play, or even pedestrianised streets which have become so popular in Spain.

And like many (maybe even all?) Asian countries, they are a fan of bum guns. These are quite effective. This was either another one of those rare times where a meeting was useful, or it is just a case of “how we’ve always done it”. Either way, it works and saves a lot of paper. I won’t get into the debate about whether it’s better for the environment but I will say my bottom likes it. 

So as I said, kind of wonderful, kind of weird – just like a bag of revels. Or, as a cool blog author puts it, “Well, if you are a pigeon-feeding chewing-gum-selling nudist with a tendency towards WiFi kleptomania and frantic littering, you might want to steer clear of Singapore.”

Misc